It's a Girl

So I did my online application for a gun licence in preparation of all the horny teenage boys that will be flocking to my door in about 16 years!

Honestly, I really thought it would be a boy. I fully believe that the universe will never give you anything you can't handle, but once again, I was foiled. I have no idea what to do with a girl!! From as far back as I can remember it was always me stealing my brother's toys because I wanted GI Joe, not Barbie... I could kick a ball further, bowl like Alan Donald, shoot a katty, build go-carts, climb trees....basically I was a boy with a vajay-jay! So dealing with a baby boy was gonna be peanuts. I could already see me running up and down the sideline, yelling at his under-10 rugby coach while proudly proclaiming to the world that the left winger was mine! I don't know if that goes down well at ballet class...

I think my main hiccup in all this is the fact that I really don't get women. I do not understand the moods, the double meanings in things, the hidden agenda's, none if it makes sense. I think I was absent the day those were handed out. So am I going to understand this little bundle of pink joy???

Don't get me wrong...I'm not disappointed and won't be one of those parents who raise their girls like boys cause that's what they wanted, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to make some pearler mistakes. As it is, I'm currently stumped as to what to get a friend's one-year-old for her birthday. I don't know what 1 yr-old girls like! I don't even know what 26yr old girls like....ask my wife! It seems like everything I look at in the shops has little flowers and fairies on, so I guess little girls like those, but to me the little dogs and choo-choo trains are so much cuter....

In the meantime, the wife is now on mission Pink. Not that everything is the colour pink, but I believe she is loving the idea of doing the little girly thing. Now she can completely indulge in everything that is lacking in our house (we're not really the girly type of Lesbines.....). I'm pretty sure that I will soon have to haul out the paint rollers and redo the spare room into a little girls' dream environment. The fact that all the tyke is going to be doing in there for the next couple of years is sleep, dribble, throw up and poop, is entirely beside the fact. All my bookshelves are being thrown out, the spare double bed was exchanged for a single so sorry for all the couples who were planning on sleeping over and the whole room has been shifted and moved about so often I keep stubbing my toes on things that weren't there the day before!

Now the discussion moves to what furniture the baby needs. It's a baby...what could it possible need except a place to sleep???
"Should we get a compactum with built-in baby bath?"
"WTF is a compactum??? (envisioning some sort of fold-a-baby-in-half machine)
"It's a chest of drawers with a changing station on top, silly" (she's all calm and sweet right now...it's kind of scary!)

I'm pretty sure my mom never had a changing station. Is it branded and owned by BP or Shell?? Are there attendants or is it self-service?
What happened to changing the nappy on a bed? And why can't the kid be bathed in the bathroom like a normal person?

I have a funny feeling that I'm going to be spending a lot of time outside with the dogs, cause I'm pretty sure they're not going to understand what's going on either!

Anyway those are all the things going through my mind....in the meantime, here's Kori.......

From Itchy to Psycho!

I must firstly admit that I got this pic in an email today, but I couldn't help changing the heading because it pretty much sums up wifey at the moment.
I recently asked her to describe her symptoms to me and a week later I got an email at work that cracked me up!


Nothing fits you (This is true....she has two pairs of pants that fit and they're both pajama bottoms! "You never take me out anymore" is usually answered with "Most restaurants have a no pajama rule, sweetie, eat your pizza!")
Hair sprouts in places even dogs don't have hair (thick black hair) (I checked my dogs, and she's right!)
You're constipated....BADLY (Do I even need to comment on this??)
Your stomach cramps  (In one of my earliest posts I made reference to her mantra, "Feel my tummy!". This is still in effect, only now I have to analyze whether one side is harder than the other, whether the little bump I'm feeling is a head or a butt, feel around and figure out where the little bugger is hiding, etc, etc.)
You fart and burp uncontrollably (Ok, we touched on this in the last post, so no more comments needed. I invested in some serious air freshener and when she's sleeping I stick those pine car air-fresheners in her pajama pants!)
Your breath smells like dead warthog bum (kats words) (This has become quite a serious issue. It basically means whenever she rolls over in bed, I am forced to do the same unless I want to be woken up by the noxious fumes! I'm tempted to put a camera in the bedroom to watch our synchronized turning-over, I'm sure we're so in tune, we could enter the Olympics! Alternatively I could always invest in a gas mask...)
Your ankles swell (Ankle, not ankles....she only has one left. The one on her right foot has completely disappeared and the song has been changed to "the foot-bone's connected to the knee-bone....the knee bone's connected to the thigh-bone....")
Your feet swell (haven't really noticed this one cause the only shoes she wears are "Crocs" and they are pretty much designed for swollen feet!)
Your toes and fingers looks like pork sausages (The upside to this is that she can go out on the prowl again as a single woman because her wedding ring doesn't even fit on her pinkie finger anymore!)
You are constantly snotty (Well at least I'm practicing for when the Zygote arrives!)
You can't reach to shave your sasquatch legs (I'm very lucky that I'm generally a pretty hairless person. I only have to shave once a month and even then it's normally only two or three hairs, so this has been a bit of a culture shock for me. I've been tasked with doing the shaving thing. Let me tell you, there are men out there who would kill to have my wife's leg hairs on their faces! There are teenage boys locking themselves in bathrooms, shaving their downy cheeks three times a day to try and get what my wife has on her legs! I am personally keeping Gillette in business by buying up all the stock of Mach3 razor blades so that I can lean over a bath-tub and rasp away three times a week!)
It looks like you have a second Rastafarian head "down there" because you can't fucking see anything and I'd rather not snip off my clitoris for although I don't use it much right now at some point in my life I would appreciate it if someone could once again show me what an orgasm is. (Ummm, ok....this one might be a little TMI.)
Your boobs grow to gigantic proportions (Once again this symptom is mainly meant to aggravate all the "other halves". There's nothing fun about having your toys upgraded and then being told you can't actually play with them for the next year!)
Your nipples ache and sting and burn constantly (See above.) (No, wait, I actually have more to say on this little matter. Like the "feel my tummy", the "look at my nipples" mantra has joined the fold. I have had to study this part of her anatomy from all sides, top and below! I am pretty sure that if she could turn them inside out, I would have to scrutinize that side of them as well. Despite all the studying and scrutinizing, I have yet to figure out why they ache, sting or burn!)
Your skin goes dry and itches (I have become the master (mistress?) of applying Aqeous Cream. This has now become a daily ritual.)
Your hair goes oily quickly (Must admit, this little puppy has not given me any headaches yet.)
You get new stretchmarks under your armpits??!! (The whole stretchmark issue is a bit of a contentious one. Notice them and you're bound to get punched, don't notice them and you're not paying enough attention! The whole idea that your body is stretching so much that the skin actually splits, is completely alien to me. Surely the all-powerful universe created the body to handle the whole childbirth thing without actually splitting at the seams??)
The existing stretchmarks on your thighs now extend half way up your back (See above, though I'm actually sure there weren't any there to begin with!(Did you see how I slipped that in? I'm pretty sure I just earned some Brownie points with that!)


So there you have it, her symptoms in her own words. See, I'm not making this shit up!!