Peeing on a stick

Me and the waiting game are not the best of friends. However, the wife has a knack of making me look like the most patient person in the entire world if not each and every known and unknown universe. Generally one needs to wait a couple of weeks after insemination to check for the little blue/pink/purple/red line. My wife decides we need to test on the drive home! Ok, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but only a bit.

"I'm pregnant, I need to pee on a stick!"
"No, baby, you don't, it's only been two hours.."
"No, really, I need to pee on a stick"
"Yes dear"

Yes dear has become my general response to just about everything (except the inevitable "do I look fat in this?", in which case "No dear" becomes the correct retort).

On the day after insemination, she has started walking around cradling the tummy. I am being bombarded with emails of really explicit pictures of what I can only assume are alien life-forms, but which she insists are the zygote forming. Her Google search bar is filled with every conceivable question about pregnancy, the daily progression of said zygote and possible symptoms. "My boobs are sore" has become her mantra and my life now consists of feeling her tummy every thirty minutes to check for any tightness, stretch marks, kicking, heads crowning, etc.

The inevitable arguments about possible names start in earnest with me digging my heels in about calling any progeny Salt, Pepper, Storm, Mountain, Moon-pie....actually anything vaguely relating to something thought of during an extremely intense LSD trip!! I have flash-forwards of the fruit of 6ft, dark haired, green-eyed psychology major's loins coming home from school in tears because the kids are teasing him/her because his/her slightly deranged mother decided to name him/her after a condiment. Anyway, Tomato Sauce Henriksen just won't work on the world's no 1 golfer....

On day three I get an email at work containing a pregnancy calender with a huge red cross on day 15 which is supposedly the best time to do the pee on a stick test. Knowing her like I do, I'm pretty confidant that this will change about twenty-fifteen times over the next week or so.
I don't want to gloat or do the I-told-you-so speech, but by day 8 she'd already purchased the box of pee-sticks and was hinting at doing a slightly earlier test. I of course decide this is a good time to assert some authority, which, as per usual, has absolutely no effect whatsoever. We finally agree that she can try one on day 13.

Right in the middle of a very satisfying dream involving Angelina Jolie twins, I get dragged back to reality by a very uncomfortable looking woman still cradling her belly.
"I need to pee"
To which I very groggily reply "Huh?"
"I need to pee"
"And what exactly is stopping you?"
"The test has to be done with my first morning pee, and it's morning"
"Two o'clock in the morning!"
"I WANT TO PEE ON A STICK!"
"Yes dear"

Five minutes later we're both giggling like schoolgirls, hanging on to a little plastic stick that has just changed our lives forever by displaying two purple lines!

"My boobs are sore. Does my tummy look bigger to you?"