But I'm Pregnant!

I am now regretting the decision to not carry our zygote. Despite the pain, the nausea, the constant need to pee and the eating disorder, it seems that you can get away with pretty much anything as long as each sentence ends with "but I'm pregnant".
"Fix the TV!"
"I thought we didn't want a TV in the bedroom, baby."
"But I'm pregnant!"
"Yes dear"

"I would have done the dishes today, but I'm pregnant"
"What's that got to do with the dishes?"
"They smell"
"Yes dear"

The heightened sense of smell is killing me. The pregnant one can smell better than a starving hyena! I have resorted to cooking in the uninhabited cottage at the bottom of the garden, because she can't stand the smell of anything cooking. God help me when we get a tenant...I'll have to rent another house so that I can cook dinner!
She spends most of the day with her T-shirt pulled halfway up her face because the neighbours three blocks up and two over have the audacity to braai when they should know better.
I have to find new and interesting routes to the shops because cars in general are "smelly", so TomTom and I have to discover routes that no other vehicles have ever used and it doesn't matter if it takes two days to get there, just make sure that there are no cars anywhere! And while you're at it, don't hit any bumps! Right....this is of course possible on SA roads....after three months of rain...in speed bump central!!

This sense of smell also dictates what is eaten in our house. Now don't get me wrong, she's not asking for pickles deep fried in peanut butter batter and dipped in Chocolate ice cream or anything, but the food she can eat is generally just white. For two weeks I spent a fortune at Wimpy cos the only thing she would eat was Wimpy Chicken Mayo toasties. We then decided that we could probably stomach something different, so plain bread dipped into Veggie Cup-a-Soup became the flavour of the week, but only if I first removed all the floatie bits! This became lunch and dinner, while breakfast consisted of instant oats (the disgusting Peaches and Cream option!). We have now graduated to Mash, but only if I cook it in the cottage!

To be honest, pregnant women have sometimes got the short end of the stick. Pretty much every website you look at has a list seven pages long of forbidden foods for whatever reason. No Sushi (cause raw fish is bad for you. Tell that to 200 million Japanese women!), no Soft serve (cause you could get Listeria - whatever that is!), no Deli meats (unless you heat them up!) etc, etc. Of course the only things that the wife really wants to eat is Sushi wrapped in Hickory ham washed down with a Steers soft serve! Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that pregnant women poison themselves with raw puffer fish, but I do think that some of the things on the lists are a bit ridiculous. I doubt that pregnant women in the fifties gave up eating ham sarmies and I'm pretty sure there were loads of healthy babies born subsequent to the chowing of said sarmies.
Luckily for us, our midwife is "listen-to-your-body" pro.

The result of course is that I now have to take new and interesting routes to find her biltong and anything Granadilla flavoured!