Exploding Mamma

I'm not even joking...if this carries on any longer, I'm expecting this to happen to very pregnant fairy any minute! We are now a week overdue and it seems like the fruit of psychology major's loins is trying to set a record for hanging around a womb (maybe I should contact Guinness or Ripley's). When I was at school I read this book called Spring Sonata, by Bernice Rubens, and I reckon my zygote assimilated this knowledge somehow, because the book is about a baby who decides not to come out and ends up writing his memoirs while in-uterus!!! Odd I know, but I can imagine my progeny sticking her little arm out in the middle of the night and snagging a notepad and a Bic and scribbling away while we lament her late arrival!

I know it's nothing to worry about, it's not like she's stopped kicking Kris in the crotch or anything, but I'd really like to meet the little sproglet already...

So the update is as follows...Pregnant fairy is the size of a house and like an oil-tanker needs about three kilometres to turn! The whole bed has become her domain and she regularly uses me as a fulcrum at night to lever herself into a more comfortable position. This maneuvering happens regularly every half hour or so which inevitably leads to a trip to the commode accompanied by different levels of moaning and groaning which results in both the dogs howling in sympathy!

Our Doulla (for those not in the know, a Doulla is kind of like a mid-wife's assistant) came by the other day to give us some pressure point pointers, if you will. I now draw a rising sun on preggie fairy's lower back with a lit charcoal-like pencil which puts her in sort of a coma and makes her sigh a lot. Not quite sure what this does, but apparently she now has little flutters in her belly and I have writer's cramp. She also showed me where the reflexology points are...
Maria (doulla) : "Find the ankle bone, measure four finger widths above it and apply pressure, that's the womb"
Me: "The ankle what?"
SLAP
Me: "ouch!!"
I mean really, how do you locate a 9-month pregnant woman's ankles?? They disappeared sometime during the second trimester! There's just a tree-trunk down there with absolutely no distinction between foot, calf or thigh.

Anyway, despite several sleepless nights filled with contractions, flutters, something-like-period-pains and my unborn digging into her cervix, fairy is still hanging on to her water for dear life.
The next step is going in for an internal examination and I'm still trying to convince her to do a "When Harry met Sally" type orgasm scene just to see the midwife's response!!!

Baby Cooker

Let's just make one thing clear...this is not the pregnant fairy's belly and it ain't Kori's foot, however, the force with which the little bugger manages to kick me in the back makes me think she's going to be a shoe-in for the women's national soccer or rugby teams! As a matter of fact, I'm considering an early sex change op so that she/he/it can make some moolah playing for the Stormers. Watch out Peter Grant!!!

The fairy is not acting very fairy-like lately. She's waddling around like she's been got at by a randy rhinoceros and pretty much every movement illicits a wide variety of grunts and groans. Turning over in bed involves an industrial crane, me moving into the spare-room for 15 minutes and the neighbours peering over the wall to see if everything is ok. The dogs have figured out that they can get away with anything cause mom can't catch them to mete out punishment, I think they're loving it!

Our midwife told us a couple of weeks ago that the little bugger could pop any day now, and the longer it goes on, the more the pressure is building. She dropped down into position, started clawing at the Cervix (according to Pregnant Fairy) and contractions started. However, these symptoms just decided to linger, so the waddler now doubles over in pain every now and then while scrubbing the floors and I have to remind her to get on with it else my supper's not gonna get made!
(Hehe, can you imagine?? I would get my ass kicked royally if I tried that!)
 Every time we think it's gonna happen soon, the little tyke climbs back up and hides behind Kris' lungs and the whole circle of Fafa starts all over again!
 I got woken up last night only to be informed that she is NOT in labour! Why exactly I needed to be woken from my slumber for this little nugget, I have yet to figure out, but I guess that's part of the whole supportive partner thing I've been reading about.

My social life is in the toilet! In the last two weeks, we've missed out on Bingo night, Poker games, soccer and rugby matches and a debauched night at Teazers, to name but a few and if this kid doesn't pop soon, I'm going to be blaming it for the loss of loads of amazing memories! I spent this last weekend figuring out how to install the car seat, much to the dogs' dismay, because this means no car trips for them for a while.

On the positive side, I've now mastered the whole "shaving someone else's legs" technique and I'm pretty good at trimming the "hedge". I've also realized that pregnancy is nature's way of teaching dads/partners how to dry their kids, cause Pregnant Fairy has finally reached the stage where she can no longer reach to dry her legs after bathing. It's either me or a hair-dryer!!!